“Heads Up”: Phrases to, like, Avoid?

To quote the great philosopher Len Goodman, when it comes to the English language “I sometimes feel like I’m a cup of tea in a world of lattes” (Strictly Come Dancing, October, 2012).  Being a wordy-type person means that I have to  express concepts clearly and without…fluff.

Here’s a list of phrases which set my teeth on edge. I wonder if you agree?

Business jargon  such as added value, turn-key solution and low-hanging fruit.  If you’ve played b******* bingo – see here for details – you’ll feel my pain here.  Also, where did skills set come from?  Isn’t it just skills?

People who start a sentence by saying  “with respect…” will, more than likely, proceed to insult you but because they’ve given themselves permission to do so that makes it all OK, apparently.

Reach out. It appears that nobody actually calls or emails anyone anymore, especially in the States.  They “reach out” to you.  If anyone tries reaching out to me, I’ll move out of the way.

Similarly, touch base.  P’don?

Om nom nom, used by people to describe good food, mainly on tinterweb forums.  Om nom nom makes me feel slightly ill.

No problemo. Oh dear, I’m afraid I’ve used this one and will take myself off to Siberia at once.

If I hear another person say that a woman looks good for her age I will slap him or her around the face with a wet fish. I’m sure you don’t me to explain why.

Can anyone explain what a price point is?  Also, any ideas about colour way (as opposed to just colour)?

Welcome to my World.  You’ve just shared some bad news with me but I’m not really interested because it’s all about ME.

What’s I could care less about? People of America, desist.  Obviously, you mean “I couldn’t care less” meaning that you don’t care.  Because if you could care less, it means that you do care, at least somewhat.  Otherwise, how could you care less? I need to lie down.

What is it about being on the Jeremy Kyle show that means you have to repeat at the end of the day all the time?  Do you really think it closes down your argument? Perhaps it’s been written into your contract or something.

Obvious one: people – mainly young women, don’t ask me why – who insert like into every sentence.  It’s like Tourettes for tweenies and is often heard with rising intonation at the end of every sentence…like, you’re asking a question?

My bad.  I have literally no idea what this means and can’t be bothered to find out.

So, a bit of a list.  The worst one, though (or is it just me)…

The use of the first person plural regarding pregnancy.  Sorry, but we are pregnant is a medical impossibility and people who say it make me go all Norman Bates with the sheer superior smugness of it all.  It makes me think of huuuuuge pavement-hogging baby buggies and Boden catalogues.

It’s harsh but fair to say that anyone caught using any of these phrases will be made to sit in a room entirely empty apart from a tube of Pringles, surely the salty snack equivalent of heroin.  They will be allowed to eat just one, then forced to sit and contemplate the rest of the contents therein, yea verily until the end of time.

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